Jack DeLuca

 

“If it weren’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all”…. A common phrase we’ve all heard before, but in the case of Jack DeLuca.  …. I’ll let you be the judge.

Jack was locked out of his car again and his road side assistance card had expired months ago. The rain, not expected to fall until later that evening, was now falling substantially on the top of his uncovered, prematurely balding head Jack stood in the pouring rain debating if he should break the car window or walk six miles in the pouring rain. Suddenly the answer came to him in the form of a sneeze.  “Achoo! I could catch pneumonia standing out here,” he said, looking for something to break the glass with. In a desperate move, he picked up the first thing he assumed could get the job done, a large rock. His weapon of choice, was heavier than he anticipated and way too cumbersome for him to handle. As he tried to lift the slippery hunk of granite, he lost control and dropped it directly on his foot. The pain was excruciating. He quickly removed his soaking shoe, revealing the aching big toe which protruded from the hole in his only pair of argyle socks. Could it get any worse for the poor man?  …. Yes.

Jack, sore toe and all, was finally on his way home. He had been offered a job with a very prestigious company; it was a job offer he had not discussed with his wife and an acceptance he intended to discuss with her only after the fact. The position was so lucrative he immediately resigned from his current job and boldly told his boss to “##$%##$” …well, you know. Jack was excited; he rushed home to now share with his wife, what he thought would be exciting news. “Honey, guess what!  …We’re moving to Sedona, Arizona!”

Jack’s wife didn’t say a word; she didn’t need to. She simply stepped aside and glanced down at the suitcases that were at her feet. “I’m leaving you Jack. I just don’t love you anymore.” Could it get any worse for the poor man?  …. Yes

After a bit of: begging, pleading and a few variations of “How can we fix this?” Jack finally yielded to the inevitable. He climbed the stairs one slow step at a time, wondering what could possibly be in the letter his wife said would explain everything.  When he finally reached the bedroom, he hesitated at the threshold, trying to maintain his composure. He just stood there in his wet clothes, scanning the room.  The more he stared into the immaculately kept room with its perfectly made king-size bed, the more frightened he became. Perhaps it was the envelope so strategically placed against the pillow shams that caused him to panic, but none-the-less, there it was.  A small flat paper container, filled with dagger-edged words written to destroy the heart of a misunderstood husband.

“Dear Jack,  Writing you this letter is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. The next hardest thing is giving you my reasons why. For the past few years, our marriage has been nothing but exhausting. The loveless relationship we shared has left me feeling alone, rejected and starving for affection. Jack, I have found someone whom I know will give me the love and affection you refused, or were incapable of providing. The truth is … I am leaving you to start anew life with Romeo Jenkins, the auto repair man who did such a good job on our Volvo. Romeo and I think the only way out for all of us, is for me to get a divorce. We realize this may come as a bit of a shock to you, but you’ll get over it. The refrigerator is full, so you have enough food to last you for a while. I did the laundry before I left, but you’ll have to fold the towels yourself. I guess there is nothing more for me to say other than, please take care of yourself and have a good life.
Doris
P.S: Romeo said you may disregard the bill he sent you for Volvo.

 

Jack was not the kind of man who cried; on the contrary, he had the tendency to internalize his emotions. However, on this day he wanted to cry …oh how he wanted to cry.  … Suck it up, was the rationalization.

 

After the initial shock tapered off the anger began, but Jack’s anger was not totally directed towards his wife; after all, he had always considered her to be a little simple-minded and somewhat arbitrary. Therefore, it wasn’t too surprising when a cunning man named “Romeo” of all things moved in on the lonely, gullible prey. Jack was not totally oblivious about the problems in his marriage.  He honestly thought a new job in a new state would give his marriage a new beginning.  He sincerely thought a geographical change would one day bless him and his wife with a child.  Poor Jack. And then there was the move for him to consider, a realignment he would have to face as a single man who always depended on his “little simple-minded and somewhat arbitrary” wife.   Could it get any worse for the poor man?  … Yes

Up until this point, the only whisper of optimism came from the new job that was waiting in Arizona, but even that morsel of promise was reduced to a pathetic question of “What have I gotten myself into?” Jack knew that he had to get out of the house, he needed to run not walk away from the stench of adultery.   Poor Jack. He couldn’t bear to look at his nuptial bed without seeing the despicable, conniving, two-faced, overly paid grease- monkey lying between his sheets.   Yes, he needed to get away, desperately.  His only appealing recourse was a trip to the ocean. The smell of salt water and the sound of crashing waves had always had a calming effect on him.  Suddenly he began to wonder if his wife had the audacity to take “their” Volvo with her and her randy consort.  As he rushed out of the room on his way down to the garage, he noticed his watch was missing from his wrist. “Did I wear it to work this morning?” he wondered. This wasn’t just any watch, it was the watch his grandfather gave to his father and his father gave it to him before he died.   “Where can it be?”  Jack was starting to worry when suddenly, he remembered that his wife took it somewhere to be cleaned; but where? …Poor Jack. He had no idea where his wife was, let alone some repair shop that may or may not have his watch. For all he knew, Romeo could be wearing it.   Ouch! … painful thought. Could it get any worse for the poor man?  … Yes

Jack went into the garage and saw the Volvo sitting there nicely polished looking almost new. His first reaction was good, he actually smiled for a minute, but when he remembered the post script at the end of the Dear John letter he went ballistic.
“…disregard the bill?!” he shouted.   Just the thought of the arrogant mechanic touching the car took on a different meaning. Jack’s imagination was running rampant, the more he looked at the car, the more beastly it became.  Like a scene from a Transformer movie, the Volvo became an evil Decepticon[1] that needed to be destroyed.   Jack went into the tool shed and grabbed his shovel; his first stroke of malice was against the windshield, he hit it so hard the entire glass shattered, then he rushed over to the driver’s side of the car and hit it not once, not twice but enough times to throw his back out leaving him in pain and bent over like a broken tree branch.  Could it get any worse for the poor man?  … Yes

Jack tried to make his way back into the house to call an ambulance.  Poor Jack.  He hobbled along like an aging man with a serious spinal problem. Finally, his shuffling got him as far as the kitchen door, but when he reached for the handle, the pain from his back was so unbearable he fainted.     Minutes later, when he regained consciousness there were two police officers standing over him. “Are you okay Sir?” asked one.  “What the hell did you do to the car, man?” asked the other. Jack moaned and groaned as the officers tried to get him onto his feet. “Do you need an ambulance?” asked one.  “I need to see your driver’s license and the registration for the car you just damaged,” said the other.

Jack tried to explain that the car belonged to him but one of the officers wasn’t buying his explanation for the vandalism.  “Sir!  According to the registration this car belongs to a Doris Heckerman.     “Yes, she’s my wife. The car was a Christmas present from me.”

“So, the car belongs to your wife.”

Jack’s back mysteriously felt better and somehow he was able to stand straight. “Are you guys married?”   “Yes,” they both responded.

 

“Well gentlemen, let me tell you about my day.” Jack told his story in full detail; he began with him walking out on his boss, and ended with the Romeo and Juliet saga, a.k.a. Romeo and Doris’s despicable epic. The officers hung on his every word.  They felt so much compassion for poor Jack; they were ready to put out an all-points bulletin for Mr. Jenkins. And then, out of the blue, a frantic voice yelled “What have you done to my car?!!!” Standing there as big as day, with her head poking through the kitchen door, was the prodigal wife, Doris. The two officers snickered at each other, asked a few questions and left the couple on their own.

“What are you doing here?”

“I made a mistake.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I could never be with anyone but you.”

“What about Romeo?”

“He decided to go back to his wife.”

Jack could not believe what he had just heard. How could he have married such a fickle fool? Could it get any worse for the poor man?    … No, things could only get better. Jack filed for divorce, moved to Arizona, and is now dating his divorce attorney.
As for the wife?  Jack left her the Volvo along with a note that read:
Disregard the damages.

 

 

[1] Decepticon (di-sep-ti-con) – The Decepticons are one of the primary factions in the Transformers mythos